I'm still working on this

So long as I have my mind


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Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the first of my final exams and at the moment, I’m not really bothered which is perhaps both a good and a bad thing. I’ll start with the bad. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO RELAXED BEFORE FACING AN EXAM IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. My mind is usually reeling with ‘have I learnt enough?’, ‘I have to answer this many questions right?’, ‘that guy that said this also said this, oh wait I’m not sure!’, but today a few hours before I sit in that hall and scribble manically I’m relaxed.

(Reading this little statement back, I’ve realised it’s turned into a good thing without even realising it. I wonder how that happened.)

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Following Wallpapers

Even though I won’t forget the people I love I might sometimes forget why I love you so much.

I learnt very recently that I couldn’t pinpoint the main reason for loving someone until someone told me why they loved me. And then I found out why I loved the people I do and I found they were all really different.

To name a few that apply to several individuals (in no particular order, if they ever read this, I wonder if they can guess which one applies to them):

I love how incredibly kind you are
I love that you were able to make me laugh even when I was at my lowest point
I love how you are able to say the most complimemtary and embarrassing things to someone you love without batting an eyelid
I love how I can rely on you to give me a real telling off when I need it
I love how fast you can throw on your sass and wit and answer me back
I love how you smile so bright it makes the whole room want to smile too
I love how you put on a strong and intimidating front but actually your pretty bashful

I thought about seven people in this post but there are many more that are still left to pinpoint and discover because I will always want to find out why I love you so much.


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Wallpapers

I have never liked using photos of real people as my wallpapers, be it my phone or my laptop or my tablet or my future gadgets because eventually we stop looking at our wallpaper no matter how pretty or cool or how great that memory was and I never want that to happen to a photo of someone I love.

So I’ll never use your photo as a wallpaper and think of that as a good thing because I don’t ever want the pretty or cool or how great that memory was effect to wear off.


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Light of the World

For all those who show me how lovely the world can be. Thank you, thank you so so much. To the ones I love, who smile so joyfully, it will always be  the reason I feel so alive.

And to myself, you seem to get more joy out of their smiling and laughter than what they’re smiling and laughing for. How very blessed I am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He’s bashfulness doesn’t match his “cool” ulterior, even though I know he’s softer than most on the inside.


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A little contradictory

I realise that the last two posts are a bit polarising. I apologise for my crazy mind. But then again, why should I apologise for who I am. I realise that again may be a bit difficult to comprehend. Sorry.

(The mind that goes in constant circles searching for the truth, it moves so swiftly yet moves no where. I sit and smile to myself as a headache of over thinking slowly fades in. A kind of happy headache.)

I dislike Halloween. It scares me too much.


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I’ll have to go it alone, which is too bad because…

It’s so hard to find people.

You know, the kind of people that you would call ‘my kinda people’, my gang, my friends, chosen family. It’s so hard to make plans that get followed through, someone’s always too lazy, or too broke, or woke up late, or forgot you booked them, or are doing something already, or are too scared to take it to the next step and become a closer friend (I’m not interested in romance right now, I don’t have the time for that).

It’s so hard to find the people that share the same hobbies, or interests or passions that you do. Am I the only one? Surely not? But then I would think that since I can’t comprehend how someone else thinks unless I’m close to them and even then I can’t truly comprehend how their mind works. But still. Am I really the only one? I would say I have a massive range of interests, I’m interested in everything. I love going places, I love reading, I love movies, music (even though I can never remember the names of anyone famous), cookery, bakery, culture, history, how our minds work, animals, taking every possible chance to do something amazing yet there is no one. No one, I can find in this massive university that wants to do all of those things, that has the time or has the time but won’t make the time to actually do them. I get frustrated by people who make the invitations but don’t follow through or cancel for the stupid reasons listed above, you should have considered that before you promised me; not saying that I don’t do on occasion but I have a good reason for it, I’m ill, is usually the one, although, I drug myself up so I’m okay to go out anyway, I have work, but that doesn’t mean I can’t book time off so I can spend time with you doing something fun if we actually plan something so I can make it official in my three schedules, I’m a student so I have to study but my friend, you too are probably a student and you can understand that YET why can I not find a single crazy passionate soul who’s willing to do all those things with me?

I’ve become anti social, it’s my fault, I’ve been looking in the wrong places, where I can’t find what I’m looking for, I set myself up telling my friends that I’m unlikely to be available due to the final year workload but I’ve found that I still have time. I still have time to hang out with you. I still make time to hang out with you. So my friends, how is it that we are so incompatible or do we just keep missing each other that’s causing this pent up frustration is destroying my spirit.

When will I find my people?

God must have intended it this way, that I’m alone for now because perhaps he’s helping me save money so I can follow my ambitions, or that I have to focus on work more now and have fun later, or something this or something that. Am I being ungrateful? But I can’t help but think, I don’t need money for an excuse to meet a friend, to go somewhere, I can walk to where I want to go, and although I am behind at the moment on work (I seem to be working myself into a large hole by trying to defy God now but anyway…) I can catch up, I can get the grade I want, God willing I will. I am determined. So why? Why has my life become robotic? There is no fun, there is no spur of the moment, let’s decide to do this and actually plan it. I had this before, this passion, this spark of joy, but the people it came with have gone and I am left with my spark that doesn’t seem to light the passions of another.

But you know, I don’t have to have people necessarily to enjoy the world, my world of cultural passion and walking everywhere so maybe I’ll just go it alone. I’ll go to that fireworks show tomorrow by myself, and I’ll go and give blood on Wednesday and I’ll go to that cat cafe in London and I’ll go and take that amazing looking cookery course owned by The Raymond Blanc (most amazing chef ever) that I’ve wanted to take since birth and I’ll do everything else that I want to do and if you want to come, then come and find me and I’ll invite you and I would love for your sweet company.

Soap Bubbles


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I look forward

I am looking forward. Occasionally looking back upon sweet reminiscence and wondering where life will whisk me away to next. I understand that the world is not in my hands and that I cannot rely on myself to walk the path I am meant to walk so I take the loving hands of the one in front of me and I am careful not to trip. But if I do, I know there will be that someone to catch me, so I look forward.

Hug from God