I never intended for a lot of things that happened to happen. I’ve been pushing people away yet wanting them to be around at the same time. Am I being a bad person? To not want to be around some people anymore? I don’t think they’re bad people, nor do I dislike them but I can’t help but feel unpleasantly out of place. Out of loop maybe, something that I don’t quite understand and I’m missing out on something. A dysfunctional in a what appears to be a functioning social group. It’s been a while and now I think I’m beginning to understand the meaning again when I decided to name this blog ‘I’m still working on this’.
I was always me. At least, I try to be the me that I want to be. The cheerful ever optimistic who never fails to looks at the world to see all of it’s beautiful worth. Actually I can only see a tiny bit of it and it still overwhelms me. Only my God really knows that and I thank him for it and he will probably be disappointed with me when I say I want to whine a little, to complain and to be worst of all a little ungrateful. The world is a much darker place than I usually make it out to be but I put that in a box and bury it so I can’t find it easily.
Maybe you could say I’m dealing with loneliness at the moment. It makes me sleepy and lethargic.I’ve been away from people for a while; mostly due to examination revision schedules (my last is tomorrow but I’m pretty sure I’ll have to do some retakes in a month or so) and my lack of interest in general. Perhaps I should give myself a break but I don’t think I deserve it very much, and then I go and take a break anyway which defeats the point of deciding against it. Or maybe I should actually take a break and enjoy it with the people I love. Don’t get me wrong, I still see people everyday, my housemates or my family. And I still laugh everyday and I still stare up at that beautiful sky awestruck but I feel emptier. Maybe it’s the stress or being a student or maybe I’m just being silly and being drained over nothing. I wonder if anyone understands this feeling that I find very difficult to pinpoint.
Can I be selfish and as for someone to listen to me? And by listen I mean giving me their full and complete attention, no mobiles, no computers, no other distractions, just me. I realise that’s pretty difficult as it is but can I ask for that? I guess that’s what I’m using the internet for at the moment right? But you, reader, shouldn’t pity me. Because I already have everything that I need even if I can’t be happy and content at the moment.
Stop being emotional she tells herself. She doesn’t even know why she feels so strongly upset by this. What’s wrong with her? What’s wrong with me? But you know, tomorrow, that box will probably be buried again and I will be on a high because I would have finished my exams for the time being. I will also have a birthday to celebrate and I finally get to spend a chance to spend a little time with the people I have missed so dearly.
Dealing with the sadness of the world? Yeah, a little bit. Stop being a drag already? Okay, got it.